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Play is set in the hey-day of Celtic Tiger Ireland, a time of greed, scams and the hunt for the ever bigger deal.




PJ                 male 30’s

CYNTHIA   female 30’s

BELLA        female 30’s

FIONN         male  1200’s (approx)

FINNEGAS  male  same…

HEFFERNAN female?  50’s





Loud noise and smoke as diggers work on a construction site. Suddenly through the rubble a human hand, with outstretched thumb reaches up into the air. Work is halted, a whistle is heard and then a cacophony of noise and shouts / screams. Momentarily the noise subsides and out of the smoke and darkness emerges PJ, who addresses the audience.


PJ                  Back to the beginning, like a crime scene investigation, CSI Boyne River Bank, and I’m the star of the show. Should have known the dame would get me in the end. Should have listened to the old guy. Should have lots of things, but too late now.




PJ                  Here they come… who is ‘they’? Pigs or ambulance? Either way doesn’t matter. Its over. Thought I had it all figured out. Boy did I have it all figured out.


PJ stands centre stage and begins to raise his arms.




An office. PJ stands with arms outstretched. He slowly brings his arms upwards so that his hands meet, in a diving position. PJ begins speaking. The telephone in on loudspeaker.


PJ                                        And then he dives. From a high bridge and into the Boyne River, and when he reaches the riverbank, he unzips his swimgear, and steps out, wearing a brand new tuxedo. Are you hearing all this Councilor?


VOICE ON ‘PHONE         Yes, but what has this to do with the building construction?


PJ                                        Just bear with me Councillor. This is when we see who it is, local boy Pierce Brosnan, in his tux, walking up to the new luxurious apartment-


VOICE                               Wait a second, did ya say Pierce Brosnan? 007 Brosnan?


PJ                                        Indeed I did-


VOICE                               How the hell is he local?


PJ                                        Dundalk born, Navan bred.


VOICE                               And is he on board? Has Brosnan said yes?


Enter Cynthia…


CYNTHIA                          (Whispering) Heffo is on his way.


PJ                                        (Loudly) Just give me a sec there Bono!


Cynthia is non-plussed.


VOICE                               Bono is there too?


PJ                                        Ah good one Bono, make sure and tell T he Edge that one, (laughing)… Just a couple more minutes Bono-


CYNTHIA                          PJ, Heffo is here in two minutes and you’re using his office – again- plus we have a situation, code red-


VOICE                               What’s Bono doing there?


PJ                                        Just finalizing the ad with him, you see when Brosnan is walking towards his new pad a helicopter lands and who gets out only Bono and The Edge and, eh.. (whispering to Cynthia) the other two-


CYNTHIA                          Larry and Adam?


PJ                                        Larry and Adam, and Brosnan looks at them, sees that they look confused and says : “ Hey lads, have you still not found what you’re looking for? Just stick around here, where the streets do have a name” and Bono says “what name is that Pierce?” and he says to them “the name’s Bank, Boyne River Bank”. Cue a bit of Edge guitar and that’s the ad.


VOICE                               Jaysus! They’ve all said yes?


PJ                                        How could they say no? It’s a winner Councillor, if certain others say yes, and we both know who they are-


C                                         Now PJ you know I can’t ask them-


PJ                                        Nobody’s asking anyone anything, we’re just having a chat, and I’m saying that if certain people were to also think this a good idea, like you did, all that needs to be said-


C                                         PJ I’m not saying anything-


PJ                                        Just having the craic now Concillor, if next time you were to meet which just happens to be on Tuesday morning-is that still your birthday?


C                                         What’s my birrhday got to do with anything?


PJ                                        I just remember it was your birthday last year, just checking it was the same arrangement this year.




C                                         You know well it is…


PJ                                        Does that mean you’re heading off for the Seychelles again? I heard it was one hell of a hooley. I never knew the taxpayers had such good taste! Mind you, I don’t think the taxpayers knew either. Maybe its best to keep it that way, they’d be awful mad if they knew about all your shenanigans. Anyway, where was I… oh yeah,  if, just saying, if, you were to say something along the lines like “ didye hear about the ad campaign with Pierce Brosnan and Bono? Something about the new planning by the river the near side of Navan, digging started last week!”, well, they’ll be on it like flies on cowdung  no more will need to be said. I’ve a good memory Councillor, and I won’t forget a friend when we strike it rich.


C                                         Just like you didn’t forget that Tuesday is my birthday, I suppose.


CYNTHIA                          PJ! (Hushed whisper)


PJ                                        Good talking to you as ever Have to dash now, but we’ll be in touch. OR SOMETHING ELSE IN TONE???


PJ puts down the phone.


C                   Heffo is on her way


H enters.


H                   Heffo is not on her way, Heffo is here. Why don’t you put your feet up dear.


PJ                  She means can you skidaddle while I get scolded.


CYNTHIA exits.


H                   Pat you’re using my office again.


PJ                  Because your office is the only one with a working computer.


H                   And my computer is working because I didn’t put my fist through it when it was too slow starting up.


PJ                  But you said you’d get mine fixed up. You promised.


H                   Pat, I made lots of promises, I also made a promise, a pledge  to –


P                   Yeah yeah the pledge you made to my-


H                   Don’t yeah yeah me you ungrateful hoor- maybe a pledge means sweet fanny hill to you but when your mother begged me to take you in and keep you on the straight and narrow I made-


P                   You made a deal, not a pledge. In return for taking me in you got the house. Very good returns on your investment.


H                   If you mean the homestead and not the rented cottage, then you’ve a drole definition very good returns.


P                   That place was massive, it was our ‘Southfork’.


H                   Oh big it was, I’ll give you that, ten times bigger than the place I rented to keep you out of it so you would never know the size of the mould on the walls, the holes the mice made in the kitchen and the attic. Another massive thing, the size of the friggin’ bills I southforked out to get the place in livable shape, and I don’t mean comfortable cosy livable, I mean livable in the legal sense so it wouldn’t get condemned by the council and pulled down. Ever wonder why little sister moved away to the States and left me in charge of it and you?


P                   She got a good return on her investments too.


H                   You mean the house in Scarsdale? She sold that.


PJ                 She what?


H                   Sold the place. When she finally understood that money couldn’t buy friends, she did what she’s best at. She moved. And she didn’t let you know. Looks like you changed your name for nothing.


PJ                 With the money she made from selling Scarsdale, she could have moved anywhere.


H                   I’m talking about your mother and you’re talking about money. I didn’t raise you to be like this Pat Heffernan.


P                   It’s PJ. PJ McBride. More of a ring to it.  More bang for your buck.


H                   You’re in Ireland Pat, not America. Remember how that little stint turned out?


PJ                 More pling for your punt then,


H                   That’s more like it.


PJ                  (Calling out) CINNERS!




H                   Her name is Cynthia. You should be nicer to her.


PJ                  You should get me a new computer so I don’t have to keep borrowing yours.


H                   Don’t change the subject. You should be nicer to her.


PJ                  Because?


H                   She’s a single mother-to-be, its tough enough.


PJ                  So that’s why you like her- you can relate.


H                   Get your own computer. If you cannot get that you wont be able to get that big deal you’re chasing.


PJ                  Just you see, I’ll get the pooter, the deal and a fuckload more.


CYNTHIA enters, sensing that its time to remove PJ from the office. Is she rescuing him or Heffernan?


C                   PJ, we have a situation.


H                   Do you indeed.


PJ                  Don’t know what I’d do without you Cinners, if this was India you’d be sacred.


PJ exits. Another room OR HALL??


CYNTHIA                          We have a code red.


PJ                                        Why didn’t you tell me-


CYNTHIA                          I did five minutes ago when you were busy mistaking me for a Rockstar-


PJ                                        Being a conniving genius is hard work-


CYNTHIA                          Well connive yourself out of this one, genius… the police are involved. Boyne River Bank is dead.







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