HEY HEY GOOD -LOOKING
A play in One Act
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Cast:
Harry
Nurse, Teacher, Lorraine, Mother, Shop Assistant, Seated Lady in Art Gallery
Benny, Brady, Johnson (patient), Doctor, Victor, Kid 2, Coach, Cow, Father, Pupils 1 & 2, Man in Art Gallery
Sheila, Hartney (patient), Bully, Midwife, Mary, Kid 1, Girl, Girlfriend in Art Gallery
The play is set in a hospital waiting-room. Three patients sit stage right and a nurse sits stage left behind a desk filling in charts. Harry sits in the middle of the threesome and they all keep their faces very distorted throughout the play, except furing Harry’s monologues or when they are being other characters. Johnson, the first patient stage right, also has his arm in a cast in an amusing and distorted position. The cast is not real as the actor has to be able to move his arm with ease. It is suggested that to help differentiate between the different characters, they sport small costume changes. For instance, Brady and the other bully always wear nylon stockings over their heads, terrorist style, and Teacher always wears spectacles. The play opens with Harry lit by a single spot. After the initial monologue, the stage is lit revealing the setting and the rest of the cast.
HARRY I don’t know what their problem is. My voice is deep, sexy. Face lacks a certain symmetrical quality but, hey, it’s got character. Wonder if Benny’ll be home this weekend? Fun and games in the graveyard with a bottle of cider. (Sings) Two green bottles sitting in the graveyard. (SPEAKING) Well, time to face the music. To hell with ‘em. You always have your art. Can’t touch that. Sticks and surgeons may break your bones, but they cannot touch your art.
NURSE (On intercom) Dr. Kearney to ward six, Doctor Kearney to ward six, thank you.
Patients sit in great silence, and try uneasily to avoid eachother’s glances. Pause.
HARRY I don’t want to be here. But here I am all the same. But not all the same. If we were all the same I wouldn’t need to be here. But “we’re” looking pretty much the same. Three green freaks sitting in a room. Of course, Matisse would love this: nice woman, green stripe down the middle of her face. But that’s the Fauvists for you… from the French… wild, savage. I don’t want to be here. I’ve tried, I really have, but people just don’t like it.
(Cast begin moving their chairs noisily and mumbling)
TEACHER Quiet please class! Quiet! Brady! Shut up! Next; Harry Collins!
HARRY Miss?
TEACHER What poem did you pick?
HARRY “Oh Friend I Know Not” by William Wordsworth, Miss.
BRADY (Mocking voice) Ofwend I no snot by williamwudswut, niss. (Laughs)
TEACHER Well, go on.
HARRY O friend I know not,
Which way I must look for comfort,
Being as I am opprest.
To think that now our life is only drest for show,
Mean handy-work of craftsmen, cook or groom.
We must run glittering like a brook in the open sunshine
Or we are unblest;
The wealthiest man among us is the best:
No grandeur in nature or in book delights us-
(Lunch bell sounds and pupils jostle to leave)
TEACHER What a shame. Everyone, pages 62 to 68 for tomorrow!
SHEILA Well? Did you ask her out?
HARRY Yeah, eventually.
SHEILA And?
HARRY She said no. It was stupid. I started talking about the trees and the sun and what a wonderful time it is to be in love, and she said no.
SHEILA That’s her loss.
HARRY Look at her. (Lorraine crosses the stage with a skipping-rope) She can stick that skipping-rope!
BRADY (Crossing stage) Alwight Howwy? How’s the lip?
SHEILA Leave him alone, you!
BRADY (Laughs and exits)
HARRY I hate that bastard.
SHEILA Don’t pay any attention to him. Lets’ talk about something else. I liked your self-portrait.
HARRY You did? Where’d you see it?
SHEILA Mr. Smith showed it to us. His way of forcing us to work: “This was done by a junior!”
HARRY So I have a secret admirer in Mr. Smith.
SHEILA And me too.
HARRY I always knew that.
SHEILA Are you nervous about it?
HARRY Not really.
SHEILA Who’s going up with you?
HARRY No one. It’s routine by now so I’ll just go on my tod. Mind you, this one’s different. This one’s gonna make me look like everyone else… normal.
SHEILA You’re as normal as anyone I know.
(School bell rings)
SHEILA Come on, we’d better get back in.
(Sheila moves back to her seat. Lights dim)
HARRY How could I have been so blind? I’d have done anything for Lorraine White but she wouldn’t even let on I existed. All that time, Sheila was there. Man, she really likes me, she really likes me. What’ll I do, Benny Boy?
BENNY (Drinking from a bottle) Ask her out. Here… (hand bottle to Harry) Cheers.
HARRY Can’t do it just like that.
BENNY Well, prepare… I don’t know. Dress up smart, casual. Buy her something.
HARRY What, like flowers?
BENNY I don’t know. Chocolates are always good. Be friendly. Don’t talk about yourself too much, if you can manage that. Just let things roll on naturally.
HARRY I’ve got a good feeling about this.
BENNY So have I. (With Harry) This could be the one!
HARRY I mightn’t bother with the hospital. Doesn’t seem to bother her.
BENNY Some girls don’t care about looks.
HARRY I want to be sure. (Looks up at the sky, shouting) Give me a sign!
BENNY He’s not there.
HARRY He must be. This is holy ground. And what about that “when two or more friends are gathered” bit. Well?
BENNY (Burps)
HARRY (Looking at a gravestone) Well what do you think, Mr. O’ Reilly, died 1935…?
BENNY Not much, I shouldn’t think.
HARRY Well?
NURSE (On intercom) Will Dr. Stewart please go to Radiology. Dr. Stewart to Radiology please. Thank you.
END OF EXCERPT.