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A cautious comedy in one act





MARTY     20’s, nondescript, very ordinary in appearance and manner.

JACK        20’s, more laid back, casual.    

FELICIA    20’s, stylish, attractive, confident.

FAYE        20’s, dressed like an American ‘film noir’ star.           




The play is set in the present.. The setting: a modern apartment interior. Large living / dining room area, hall with coat hanger, kitchen (not seen) and a bathroom to the side. Large bathroom mirror is visible. Living room area is furnished with a sofa, a hi-fi system and cd / dvd collection. A tv set is also in room. JACK and MARTY, both dressed casually smart are waiting in living room. Presently a doorbell sounds.


Doorbell. MARTY goes to open door. JACK motions for him to wait.


JACK:            One two three four, keep her waiting at the door. Now, open.


Marty opens door. Felicia enters, dressed smartly for a date, carrying a bouquet of flowers.


MARTY:         Hi! Come on in.


FELICIA:        Thanks.


MARTY:         No trouble finding the place then.


FELICIA:        (Laughs) So long as the lights work.


MARTY:         (Laughs) Yeah…. They’ve been getting ‘round to fixing those lights for years.


FELICIA:        I brought something for… (Felicia presents him with a bunch of flowers)


MARTY:         Oh…. Wow! I’ll just put these in a vase.


JACK:            Take her coat her coat first, then do the vase.


MARTY:         Can I take your coat?


Marty struggles to balance both the coat and the flowers, comically awkward.


JACK:            Or maybe not…


FELICIA:        Thanks… (She takes her coat off herself) Don’t really know why I brought a coat! Force of habit I guess.


MARTY:         You have a nice coat.


JACK             OK, move it along. Enough about the coat.



FELICIA:        That smells wonderful.


MARTY:         Oh, that would be the aromatic chicken…. Aroma?.. smell?


PAUSE, no reaction from Felicia.


JACK:            It wasn’t that funny, switch to damage control. And stop playing with your ear.


Marty stops touching his ear.


MARTY:         I hope you’re hungry. I know I am. I could eat a horse… horsechicken.


JACK:            Just get her a drink?


MARTY:         A drink perhaps? Got tons of booze, red, white, brown, lots of colours…anything, you name it-


JACK:            Calm down tiger.


FELICIA:        Well, in that case, I’d love a glass of Ouzo thanks.


MARTY:         Oo what?


FELICIA:        Ouzo. I used to drink it all the time in Greece.


Marty and Felicia now say the lines at the same time.


MARTY:         sorry, never heard of it /


FELICIA:        doesn’t matter, anything will do /


JACK:            Relax, don’t stress her out… breathe…


MARTY:         (Rapidly) Gin and tonic with ice and or lemon?


FELICIA:        Just g and t, nothing else.


Marty exits to kitchen, presently sounds are heard coming from kitchen where he is ‘fixing’ things. Felicia ‘inspects’ apartment. Looks at picture of Twin hanging on wall.


FELICIA:        Nice place you have here.                                              


MARTY:         Thanks.


FELICIA:        It’s exactly like my apartment. I mean the layout. How long have you lived here?


MARTY:         (Speaking from kitchen) About five years.


FELICIA:        We have the same view (Looking out the window), except for…


MARTY:         (Re-entering with two drinks) Except for you have more of a view of.. the view?


FELICIA:        Exactly.


MARTY:         (Handing her a glass) Here, happy Christmas!


FELICIA:        I prefer Happy New Year?


MARTY:         Happy Christmas New Year?


FELICIA & MARTY:              Cheers.


They both drink. They both react to their drinks.


FELICIA:        Wow, this g&t is.. what kind of gin is this?


MARTY:         Ehm, its straight vodka gin. I’m drinking yours.. sorry I, I’ll fix you a new one, just a second.


Marty takes her glass and is about to exit to kitchen.


FELICIA:        You know, no need to waste.. it doesn’t really matter so much to me, if its ok with you? I don’t mind.


JACK:            Consider what she’s proposing here, consider carefully what you say.


MARTY:         (Hesitating) It’s not hygienic.


JACK:            Ehm…


FELICIA:        Straight vodka tends to make most things hygienic.


JACK:            She has a point. Consider and accept.


MARTY:         What the hell, it’s Christm- New Year.


They exchange glasses.


FELICIA:        Cheers… (they drink) you’ve lived here five years?


MARTY:         Time flies like.. like an arrow.


FELICIA:        Fruit flies like a banana.




MARTY:         Oh, that’s good. I like that.


JACK:            Oh my god! Smoke!


Smoke from kitchen, smoke alarm goes off.


MARTY:         Oh shit! Excuse me one moment. (running offstage)


FELICIA:        (shouting) is there anything I can do?


MARTY:         No, everything’s under cont (burning himself) TROLLLL!


FELICIA:        (Rising and going to side of stage) Really, let me help…


PAUSE.  Marty enters looking slightly dishevelled in hair, sleeves rolled up, serious expression


MARTY:         I’m sorry, we did all we could… we couldn’t save him. He’s gone.


Marty and Felicia share the joke


MARTY:         I’m really sorry, I can ring for a pizza.


FELICIA:        Ehm-


MARTY:         (Judging from her reaction) No, I don’t like pizza much either.


JACK:            Sushi! Sophisticated!


MARTY:         Could always get some sushi..? If you like sushi?


FELICIA:        Actually, to tell the truth, I wasn’t so hungry.


MARTY:         Oh.


FELICIA:        Yes, and I’m on a diet.


JACK:            Tell her she’s not that fat. Say it nicely.


MARTY:         A diet, you? That’s silly. You’re not the least fat.


FELICIA:        (Doesn’t know what to say)


JACK:            Is that the best you could come up with?


FELICIA:        Wow, so much smoke from one chicken… Ehm, can I use the bathroom?


MARTY:         Sure, its eh, (pointing) straight through.


Felicia goes to bathroom. Jack goes to sofa.


MARTY:         (Despondent) Well that’s that.


JACK:            (With exaggerated enthusiasm) Ho! I’ll just get this couch warmed up for you two!


MARTY:         Serious?


JACK:            ‘Course! She’s just getting herself ‘ready’.


MARTY:         Nah…


JACK:            Sure she is.. now, when she gets back, nothing too obvious.


Marty joins Jack on sofa.


MARTY:         Sport?


JACK:            Sport?!


MARTY:         No, ehm, family?


JACK:            Family’s good-


MARTY:         How many brothers-


JACK:            And sisters, yeah, family’s good-


MARTY:         “Where are you from”?


JACK:            Yeah, that should work, and don’t forget to touch her-


MARTY:         What?


JACK:            Women are tactile, they like to be touched.


MARTY:         Yeah well, where though? 


JACK:            I know what you’re thinking, dirty dog !


MARTY:         No you don’t, where? 


Lights down on living room. Lights up on bathroom where Felicia is. As she turns on light over sink / mirror and begins fixing her makeup, FAYE comes into view.


FAYE:            I know what you’re thinking.


FELICIA:        You don’t know shit-


FAYE:            Stop trying to sound like me. “Why did I mention Greece”? that’s what you’re thinking-


FELICIA:        That’s not it at all. PAUSE Do you think he noticed?


FAYE:            Who cares-


FELICIA:        What?


FAYE:            You  think too much Toots, stop beating yourself over the head.


FELICIA:        I’m dealing with it so back off.


FAYE:            You’re not dealing Toots, you’re avoiding-


FELICIA:        For the rest of the evening you just stay put-


FAYE:            What?! Again?!


FELICIA:        You stay here, I don’t need you right now-


FAYE:            Why not? You don’t trust me?


FELICIA:        No I don’t. You’ll just make a fool of me like you always do-


FAYE:            I make a fool outa you? Don’t make me laugh. Tell me Toots, why did you come here?


FELICIA:        Where?


FAYE:            The bathroom. To wash your hands? “So much smoke from one chicken”?! Hah!


FELICIA:        You just stay here, no discussion.


FAYE:            That’s always your line, no discussion.. you can’t keep running away from yourself!


Bathroom light is switched off. Lights up on living room. Enter Felicia.


JACK:            Something sexy this way comes.



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